Tag: addiction

Pause for Sanity

Pause for Sanity

aa By Heidi Quist

Anyone else ever get the back to school blues?  Having kids means you get a schedule…not your schedule but THEIR schedule which means finding time for yourself is very difficult.  I have had to really learn myself all over again, even after 6 years of recovery I feel I have needed to grasp onto new things in recovery that would help me when I am dealing with my kids going back to school.  It really doesn’t seem like much for some people because they figure it is great because you get the whole day to yourself but that isn’t how it works.  You spend most of the time at work (I’m a nurse so it is crazy hours) and the rest trying to plan meals, get your child to said next event, wash the clothes, make sure this child does their homework, make sure your other child practices whatever instrument they are “trying” to play this upcoming year, and trying to make sure I don’t lose my sanity.  It is a daily constant reminder that I am always behind taking care of myself.

My sponsor started to see a decline in my coming to meetings, calls to her phone, and texts asking for advice.  I got a call from her one day (which is out of the ordinary because I always call her) and she asked when the last time I sat down and did an inventory of my day and was I emotionally taking care of myself…bahahaha uh, 4 years ago?  It was there that she slapped me in the face with the “you are no good for anyone if you don’t take care of yourself first”…she was right but I felt like I was on autopilot and could not get off the train, if I got off I was afraid it would crash.

Long story short…I was going to be doing more recovery work in the next coming months which stressed me out even more while staring at my calendar thinking…how do I fit 10 min to myself?  Throwing my phone on the bed and then my body I woke up an hour later…realizing I hadn’t packed lunches yet, I still had laundry to do and my bedroom was a disaster.  I pulled myself up started doing all the “things” and one thing after another they all got done. I had a clear picture that evening that you have to make time, my body finally made time for me to catch up on sleep I was so crazy tired that my body just shut down.  I realized if my body will shut itself down because it needs rest I can carve out time for myself to grow in my recovery.  Slowly I started calling my sponsor again, started going to meetings, made coffee dates with those I knew in recovery, and boom I started to feel whole again.  I was feeling more off balance when my recovery was pushed to the side and I was doing everything for everyone else.  I stopped, I dropped and I rolled…I did a simple pause to change the direction I was headed. I am so grateful for this program and all it has offered, I now get to do online meetings when I can’t get to my regular home group, I have friends to call in recovery when I need it, and most of all a sponsor that will cold call me when I’m headed down a path that is a dead end.  If you can’t make time for your recovery… pause and call someone, ask how you can get back to your recovery balance to stay mentally fit for life!

Written By: butterfly1

The Claw

The Claw

aa By Heidi Quist

If you are in recovery and you have been on a beach, in a boat, at a sport event or in any type of restaurant this summer you have seen the “White Claw”…the thing took over the drinking scene this summer and it was the talk of most of my friends.  Every year when summer rolls around I get a bit anxious because all the “fun” drinks come out and they are everywhere you go.  This summer I would have to say has been the hardest yet, all my friends had a White Claw in their hands everywhere we went! There wasn’t an event that didn’t have those drinks laying out in plain sight.

This was the first summer where I had to have constant contact with my sponsor and my meetings.  For some reason I had the urge to constantly want to join in on the “fun” my friends were having.  Until one night late July…I got a call from one of my girlfriends saying she can’t stop and drinking isn’t fun for her anymore.  I asked her what she had been drinking and how I could be of help.  Low and behold she was on her 3rd pack of White Claw.  She had been drinking since noon and just kept drinking because the drink had lost its fun and she was chasing that good time she had the weekend prior while drinking with her friends on the beach.  It was right then and there that I knew why I stayed sober, because the fun ends when you can’t stop…it becomes a prison.  We talked for hours about how her drinking started and how she felt she needed to stop.

I learned so many great things from that conversation…the first and most important thing was that I was open and honest about being in recovery so I was someone she could come to for help.  The second, I kept thinking all my friends were having so much fun drinking these drinks when in reality some of them were stuck in hell trying to stop drinking these new “fun” drinks.  I realized how much the program of recovery had saved me from picking up the drink that was so much fun, or so I thought.  I came to a deeper understanding that while people may look like they are all smiles and happy they could be fighting a battle on the inside.  I learned…temptation is hard to fight but the battle fighting it has a better outcome than giving in.  I look back at my summer and think wow, I did have a fun summer and I did it without drinking or giving into the urge of “the claw”.  Things aren’t always as they seem, stay on the path and stay close to those in recovery to help build you up!

Written By: Joypeacelove12

Denial to Recovery

Denial to Recovery

aa By Heidi Quist

Loss is a hard pill to swallow…being lied to, someone dragging your name in the mud, family turning their back on you…all hard pills to swallow.  The hardest pill I had to swallow was knowing I had to stop drugging in order to live again. I was in denial to the fact that I was slowly dying and needed to change what I was doing. The more I thought about it the more I dove back into my addiction. I didn’t want to deal with all the trash and destruction my disease had caused.  I lived in denial for the better part of 4 years, fighting with every breath to not face my fears and make the change.

One crazy night I woke up drenched in sweat and knew I needed drugs fast…I ran to my bathroom and was looking into all my hiding spots.  While I was searching I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I stopped in my tracks.  I stared for a long hot minute and what was looking back at me…a shell of a human.  I looked empty, my skin grey, eyes blood shot and distant, my hair looked 7 years overdue for a cut, and tears running down my bloated face.  It was at that moment denial met reality, this wasn’t my rock bottom but at this point I started to beg for one.  I got down on my knees and started praying, something I hadn’t done in years!  I knew something needed to changed and I begged that a path was presented to me for help because I was too scared to ask for it.

The next day my prayer was answered…my husband found all my drugs while I was at work and called me crying because he didn’t know what was going on.  I took his call and when I heard his voice I collapsed on the floor knowing this was it, this was what I was waiting for!  My husband up to this point had no clue what was going on with me as I was a really high functioning drug addict.  I did not want him to know because of fear, fear of what he might think of me, fear of what he may do, and fear of what he would want me to do.  Now he knew, the sad, twisted, life-sucking disease was caught red-handed and it was time to face what needed to happen… to walk into the light and out of the dark.

I remember my long car ride to treatment, the dead silence, the tears, the shaking, anger, frustration, denial, anxiety and uncertainty.  I was so far addicted that if I didn’t get drugs in my system at a certain time I would shake, sweat, and move uncontrollably…the list went on and on.  My husband was so scared at certain points that he barely said anything the whole drive.

When we got to treatment and I was met by the nurse…she could see, she could see a glimmer of light in my eyes that no one could see, not even me.  She put her arms around me and said, girl we got you and this is the place where you are going to walk into the light and out of the dark…we got you.  I almost collapsed in her arms, I cried so hard all night and the next day but she did not leave my side.  The story inside treatment will have to come later as this was just about my denial and how it drove me deeper into my addiction.  Once I finally hit my rock bottom…I climbed out and started my recovery journey!  If you are in denial…that is okay, I was there too, it doesn’t mean that has to be the end of your story. Fight hard for yourself because you are worth it!

Blogger: Butterfly365

My First Love

My First Love

aa By Heidi Quist

I remember…my first love, it was a late night of fun with friends and we had just got to a party.  I felt light, at peace, a relaxation I had never felt before and a tingle that went from the tip of my toes to the top of my head…it was the first time I drank liquor.  The high I got from the liquor made me think…wow, I could do this forever. My 12 year old mind could not even begin to fathom what a life filled with this new found love would do…it was going to build mountains that I would have to climb up, oceans so deep I would feel like I was drowning, I would want to hide but would have no place to go and eventually bring me to my knees out of desperation.  At 12 I only wanted to stay with the cool crowd, experience what others were doing and once I started, I felt as if I could not stop.

At the ripe age of 12 I was sneaking out at night to hang out with friends whose parents didn’t give a crap what they did because well, they were cool with other kids so why not give them liquor and cigarettes?  I was only 12…now, I have children of my own and I look at them and think please do not go down my same path! As a child I thought the feeling I got from liquor was true love, it helped me do things I wouldn’t normally do and I felt invincible.

Looking back, I see I was in love with the feeling liquor gave me. Liquor was my first love but with any first love there is a breakup.  The breakup was so painful and as I came out of the fog of drying out…I saw the destruction that first love did.  When I was drinking I did not see the friends that didn’t call anymore, the sports teams that I didn’t try out for, bad grades, broken trust between siblings and parents. My first love slowly destroyed my childhood, at first, I did it because of the “fun” I was having and then then I did it to numb the pain from the things that were happening when I drank.  The cycle of alcoholism became so crazy at my young age my parents moved me. I guess they never read that the geographical change never works, nothing changes if nothing changes…I wasn’t changed only the area in which I lived did.  I did dry out enough for high school because I found my second love which was a sport.  I stayed clean just so I could play a sport I loved so much.  I would stay clean all the way up until I got to college earning a scholarship to play sports.  As college went on my past, my first love crept back into my life and I thought I could handle it.  This would lead to many more issues throughout college and eventually end college sports for me. That first love came back and I buckled…went hook, line and sinker into the hole again.  So many more things would happen until I would finally fight my way back to this life.  I don’t wish to change my path or shut the door on it but to show that even someone fighting from age 12 to 28 to make it back can do it.

I eventually found my way into the rooms of AA and found what I call “my people” and by that I mean those who understand how I tick and what makes me want to drink. I have a sponsor, meetings and a recovery program that I will work daily for the rest of my life.  I still have bad days but I always know what I can do now to fight those days and keep them at bay.  My first love almost killed me but I found another love that was more powerful, meaningful, loving and worth living for… a God who loves and cares for me, my husband, children and family. My brain may always want that “first love” but my heart will always want the new things I found in life to love!

Written by MyRecovery  Blogger: @Peace

 

Live Learn Love

Live Learn Love

aa By Heidi Quist

I was given the best life as a child…seriously, what most kids dream of.  I was in a place where I was always safe and loved beyond belief.  My personality considered it a challenge to mess things up as much as possible!  I wish I could report happy endings, rainbows and unicorns but I can’t.  I did everything in my power to mess things up…or my disease did?  I still to this day couldn’t tell you the difference between my crazy brain and the disease working throughout my life.   I did certain things because I was hijacked by my crazy disease but others have been a learning experience in my life in recovery.

I woke up in a ditch laying on top of someone who had also been thrown out of the back of a pickup truck…my brain was fuzzy and I couldn’t figure out where I was or what I was doing in a ditch.  I finally got all my faculties in line and realized I was thrown out of the back of a truck that we were riding in.  The person who was driving was drunk and driving down a mountain road that had just been paved with fresh new gravel.  Drunk driving is never a good idea (or legal) but on a back mountain road with fresh new gravel is a recipe for disaster.  Five people got thrown out of the back of that truck that night, it was pitch black out and we were in the middle of the mountains with no help!  There were two people in the truck but at first glance I did not see the truck…that was because it had gone off the cliff on the opposite side we got thrown off of.  I woke up to everyone unconscious.  I shook the person next to me to wake them up.  The person next to me woke up and we started taking a quick inventory of injuries and people.  I realized one of us needed to run back for help, I was the least injured so I offered to go get help.  I was in soccer so running a few miles wasn’t really a big deal but running in the dark in the mountains was a whole new level of scary and crazy!  There are things like Mountain Lions and Bears but I knew I was the only one to get help so away I went….about two miles into my run I saw a car headed toward me.  I was running back towards where we all were at a huge bone fire and these people were at the bone fire so I got them to turn around and take me back.  I got back and got the help that we needed.  I ended up with a very deep scratch on my arm and I didn’t realize it until I got home.  I had to sew it together with my dad’s fishing line because I didn’t want them to know what happened. This would be the start to the long lonely path of deceit and bad decisions.  This would be how I lived my life for the next 8 years…on the edge and so close to death.  I never saw it that way of course because I was stuck in the drug addict delusion that I was invincible and I would never die from the disease of addiction.

I got into treatment 8 years later with a lengthy rap sheet of insanity.  The doctor said I should be dead but here I sit wanting to be happy, joyous and free.  I could go into all the stories but I’ll save them for another time.  What I’m hoping you will hear is you can be far down that path of “there’s no way back” and get back.  I’m living proof…I have been sober and clean for 8 years and it has been such an amazing ride.  I’m not going to say it’s been easy because that would be a lie, it was a lot of work!

I did go back to the spot where I got thrown from the truck…it is a miracle that I didn’t die…God was watching over me. I lived a very dangerous life but I also learned a lot.  I learned 587 reasons not to get drunk, 876 ways that drugs can make you try to kill yourself, 1 million reasons why driving and using is not okay…and my favorite 1 billion reasons why being sober is so much better than the other side.  I have learned that love can heal so many wounds and build blown up bridges! I found people in this program that loved me back to me.  I found me that had been missing for so many years, I was inside I had just drank me away and drugged myself into a dark hole.  Once I started going to meetings, listening to others, got a sponsor, and started working the steps I saw the path before me was going to be hard but it was going to be so worth it.  I learned that I had made a lot of bad choices but I could make good ones to bring me back to where I would be happy, joyous, and free!  I pick love… to love my God, love myself, love my family, and to love the choice I have every day waking up with a smile on my face.  I lived, lived hard…I learned, I learned hard…I love and I love hard!  Love hard and work hard in this program of recovery its rewards are miraculous!

Be Still

aa By Heidi Quist

Do you remember the day you walked into treatment, first AA meeting, first meeting with your sponsor or just the first time the word “recovery” was said? I remember my first walk into treatment and the way I felt as if it was yesterday, it has almost been 8 years now.

I didn’t know what “still” meant…my life was all about next fix, next time, where am I going, how will I get what I want, how much do I need to get to make it to the next day or even next hour…my brain was the Gravitron ride at the fair that everyone puked on, round and round at high speeds. I could not find calm in the chaos!

My life was a hurricane full speed ahead to the next fix…what a sad way to live.  I see this now but 8 years ago I could have told you that was normal! NORMAL! That was “still” for me…I didn’t know what being still meant. My brain was constantly scrambled with fear, shame, guilt and sadness.  I was just sad and lost.

I sat in the intake office in treatment and the nurse asked me to be “still” so she could take my blood pressure, you want me to be still?  My brain was mush and I couldn’t even think of what that meant…be still?? I did my best impression of “still” and my legs were still jumping up and down.  That was the moment she called in the doctor, the doctor took one look at me and got down on her knees and looked at me in the eye.  Her words have still stuck with me…you are loved her no matter what happened out there, I’m going to hold your hand and I want you to feel the warmth and care.  I melted when she grabbed my hand, human touch, who knew!  Her eyes, her voice and touch were all it took for me to be still.  I remember taking in a deep breath and just letting it all go.  I cried for a long time after that but it had been a long time since I had felt anything and the human touch from one person stilled my soul.

I can be still now that I am in recovery and what a gift that has been.  I get to enjoy moments that I would have missed if I was still using. I realized being still and being in the moment, for me, is the most incredible part of the journey.  If you are out there using and wondering if it’s all worth it…it is so worth it!  It’s the small things that I missed when I was using because I was so numb.  Now I get to feel it all and experience it all.  I have a sign that sits next to my bed that says “Be Still My Soul” as it reminds me that I finally get to appreciate the gift of being still.

Written by: I’m Still Standing

3 nurses revived with Narcan after opioid patient treated at Ohio hospital

3 nurses revived with Narcan after opioid patient treated at Ohio hospital

aa By Heidi Quist

MASSILLON, Ohio– Three nurses at an Ohio hospital who helped treat an overdose patient were overcome by secondary exposure and had to be treated with an emergency drug.Massillon police said they believe the substance the nurses were exposed to was fentanyl.

“They were cleaning up the room and started to feel sick. And then that left them waking up in a hospital bed,” Detective Shaun Dadisman said.

Investigators said the nurses had to be treated with Narcan, the drug used to revive those who overdose on heroin or Fentanyl.

“It shuts down your breathing. It shuts down your system so you get to the point where you’re not breathing on your own. And you need that boost and that Narcan is what takes that away so it helps you to recover quickly,” Dadisman said.

The problems with fentanyl and other opioids have become so profound that law enforcement and medical personnel are now forced to come up with new policies and protocols to handle these cases.

“I was actually stuck by a needle from an individual on a heroin overdose, so I had to run through all of the testing myself,” Dadisman said.

He said the grip opioids now have on a growing segment of society has created a huge risk for those whose job it is to save lives.

“I think there will be continued changes – gloves, masks. And the problem with our first responders, police officers and our nurses and stuff, is you don’t know immediately what you’re dealing with,” Dadisman said. “After the fact, you may know, but it may be too late.” Read more…