I remember…my first love, it was a late night of fun with friends and we had just got to a party. I felt light, at peace, a relaxation I had never felt before and a tingle that went from the tip of my toes to the top of my head…it was the first time I drank liquor. The high I got from the liquor made me think…wow, I could do this forever. My 12 year old mind could not even begin to fathom what a life filled with this new found love would do…it was going to build mountains that I would have to climb up, oceans so deep I would feel like I was drowning, I would want to hide but would have no place to go and eventually bring me to my knees out of desperation. At 12 I only wanted to stay with the cool crowd, experience what others were doing and once I started, I felt as if I could not stop.
At the ripe age of 12 I was sneaking out at night to hang out with friends whose parents didn’t give a crap what they did because well, they were cool with other kids so why not give them liquor and cigarettes? I was only 12…now, I have children of my own and I look at them and think please do not go down my same path! As a child I thought the feeling I got from liquor was true love, it helped me do things I wouldn’t normally do and I felt invincible.
Looking back, I see I was in love with the feeling liquor gave me. Liquor was my first love but with any first love there is a breakup. The breakup was so painful and as I came out of the fog of drying out…I saw the destruction that first love did. When I was drinking I did not see the friends that didn’t call anymore, the sports teams that I didn’t try out for, bad grades, broken trust between siblings and parents. My first love slowly destroyed my childhood, at first, I did it because of the “fun” I was having and then then I did it to numb the pain from the things that were happening when I drank. The cycle of alcoholism became so crazy at my young age my parents moved me. I guess they never read that the geographical change never works, nothing changes if nothing changes…I wasn’t changed only the area in which I lived did. I did dry out enough for high school because I found my second love which was a sport. I stayed clean just so I could play a sport I loved so much. I would stay clean all the way up until I got to college earning a scholarship to play sports. As college went on my past, my first love crept back into my life and I thought I could handle it. This would lead to many more issues throughout college and eventually end college sports for me. That first love came back and I buckled…went hook, line and sinker into the hole again. So many more things would happen until I would finally fight my way back to this life. I don’t wish to change my path or shut the door on it but to show that even someone fighting from age 12 to 28 to make it back can do it.
I eventually found my way into the rooms of AA and found what I call “my people” and by that I mean those who understand how I tick and what makes me want to drink. I have a sponsor, meetings and a recovery program that I will work daily for the rest of my life. I still have bad days but I always know what I can do now to fight those days and keep them at bay. My first love almost killed me but I found another love that was more powerful, meaningful, loving and worth living for… a God who loves and cares for me, my husband, children and family. My brain may always want that “first love” but my heart will always want the new things I found in life to love!
Written by MyRecovery Blogger: @Peace
I was given the best life as a child…seriously, what most kids dream of. I was in a place where I was always safe and loved beyond belief. My personality considered it a challenge to mess things up as much as possible! I wish I could report happy endings, rainbows and unicorns but I can’t. I did everything in my power to mess things up…or my disease did? I still to this day couldn’t tell you the difference between my crazy brain and the disease working throughout my life. I did certain things because I was hijacked by my crazy disease but others have been a learning experience in my life in recovery.
I woke up in a ditch laying on top of someone who had also been thrown out of the back of a pickup truck…my brain was fuzzy and I couldn’t figure out where I was or what I was doing in a ditch. I finally got all my faculties in line and realized I was thrown out of the back of a truck that we were riding in. The person who was driving was drunk and driving down a mountain road that had just been paved with fresh new gravel. Drunk driving is never a good idea (or legal) but on a back mountain road with fresh new gravel is a recipe for disaster. Five people got thrown out of the back of that truck that night, it was pitch black out and we were in the middle of the mountains with no help! There were two people in the truck but at first glance I did not see the truck…that was because it had gone off the cliff on the opposite side we got thrown off of. I woke up to everyone unconscious. I shook the person next to me to wake them up. The person next to me woke up and we started taking a quick inventory of injuries and people. I realized one of us needed to run back for help, I was the least injured so I offered to go get help. I was in soccer so running a few miles wasn’t really a big deal but running in the dark in the mountains was a whole new level of scary and crazy! There are things like Mountain Lions and Bears but I knew I was the only one to get help so away I went….about two miles into my run I saw a car headed toward me. I was running back towards where we all were at a huge bone fire and these people were at the bone fire so I got them to turn around and take me back. I got back and got the help that we needed. I ended up with a very deep scratch on my arm and I didn’t realize it until I got home. I had to sew it together with my dad’s fishing line because I didn’t want them to know what happened. This would be the start to the long lonely path of deceit and bad decisions. This would be how I lived my life for the next 8 years…on the edge and so close to death. I never saw it that way of course because I was stuck in the drug addict delusion that I was invincible and I would never die from the disease of addiction.
I got into treatment 8 years later with a lengthy rap sheet of insanity. The doctor said I should be dead but here I sit wanting to be happy, joyous and free. I could go into all the stories but I’ll save them for another time. What I’m hoping you will hear is you can be far down that path of “there’s no way back” and get back. I’m living proof…I have been sober and clean for 8 years and it has been such an amazing ride. I’m not going to say it’s been easy because that would be a lie, it was a lot of work!
I did go back to the spot where I got thrown from the truck…it is a miracle that I didn’t die…God was watching over me. I lived a very dangerous life but I also learned a lot. I learned 587 reasons not to get drunk, 876 ways that drugs can make you try to kill yourself, 1 million reasons why driving and using is not okay…and my favorite 1 billion reasons why being sober is so much better than the other side. I have learned that love can heal so many wounds and build blown up bridges! I found people in this program that loved me back to me. I found me that had been missing for so many years, I was inside I had just drank me away and drugged myself into a dark hole. Once I started going to meetings, listening to others, got a sponsor, and started working the steps I saw the path before me was going to be hard but it was going to be so worth it. I learned that I had made a lot of bad choices but I could make good ones to bring me back to where I would be happy, joyous, and free! I pick love… to love my God, love myself, love my family, and to love the choice I have every day waking up with a smile on my face. I lived, lived hard…I learned, I learned hard…I love and I love hard! Love hard and work hard in this program of recovery its rewards are miraculous!