Sobriety…rainbows, pink clouds, flowers, and unicorns…oh for the…yeah none of that, at least not all the time. I don’t want you to get down on recovery or think it’s all bad. It’s just not all good…because, life. I thought walking into treatment that my life would forever change to heck yes with a side of awesomesauce…yeah no, it turned into dealing with life with eyes wide open! (Insert vomit emoji here.)
I remember that crazy day I walked out of treatment with all intentions of NEVER coming back because I had the cure and I was going to be AA’s number 1 poster child volunteer extraordinaire! I mostly laugh when I look back at that day but sometimes I get real and cry. I cry because I wish someone would have been kind enough to tell me…life is gonna hit hard followed with multiple what the…just happened? Most people seem to have the “pink cloud” syndrome and good feelings…not me, I fell right off that cloud and splatted onto the ground coming out of treatment.
I got to my first meeting and got my sponsor(tough as nails 30,000 years of sobriety) who I thought would work. I met her every week and did the “thing”. Life started happening..finances, deaths, job loss, friends walking away….what the, I’m sober and things are falling apart. I remember telling my sponsor I liked it better when I couldn’t see what was happening because then I couldn’t see the destruction my life had done. I liked being numb to the emotion that went a long with all this anxiety life was throwing me.
I got to work one day and got a message from my sponsor saying, stop being drunk on anxiety you are using this to rationalize and justify why you should use again. Woman up, find a meeting tonight, get humble and call 30 drunks this week. Holy molly batman the AA dinosaur knocked me back a few steps. I called her a dinosaur not because she was so old it was because she had been around the program for so long she might as well have written the Big Book or been there to edit the first edition!
After about two months of my sponsor working with me through this hard rough patch or just rough everything she finally asked me what I was putting my trust in. I thought…what does that have to do with anything? She made me figure that out on my own. I’m hear to tell you after 6 months of ugh, what a dumb question….I learned, I put my trust in God, His will…not mine! I leaned on Him for everything I had going on in my life and I felt a feeling of contentment come over me that no matter what happened in this life I was going to be okay. The friends, family and program have been the other parts of the program that have also kept me sane and on the right path and for that I will be forever grateful! I will never forget my first sponsor she may have been tough and was old fashioned but I shut up and I listened and things started to happen…crazy how that works. If you do the work the promises happen!!
This program is not easy and no one said it was going to be but I know I get caught up in the assumptions and expectations of life and it can consume me. Let the program do what the program does best…giving hope, answers, and millions of others to hold your hand when we fall!
Sincerely ~ Your Crazy Once Lost Friend