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It’s been a minute since I have had the time, well, made the time to slow down and process the events and direction that my life seems to be going. This in itself has been magical. Not feeling the need to over analyze everything that happens, not questioning every move that myself and others make. A true gift for a person that over thinks if it’s really worth getting up just to piss.
It seems inevitable that the time comes when I do this though, yet this time it appears to be in a different direction. I’ve been pondering the great paradoxes of living and the seeming insignificant connection of things. How happiness is defined from the pain we have experienced, beauty being defined by one’s perception of “ugly”, the difficulty of some thing based off of how easy some things are to us.
Anyways, the greatest unity I have found is in desiring things, yet being desireless. Wanting things, but allowing them to happen, not trying to force things into existence. This is not sonething the comes naturally to me. I’m a self will juggernaut by nature. I want it, I want it now and I’m going to do whatever it takes to make it happen.
I could go on about this subject forever so I’m going to get to what’s on my mind. On August 25, 2016 my first son Shane Alexander was born. This is sonething that I have wanted for a long time and have tried to make it happen. Apparently it wasn’t the right time, I wasn’t ready for that to happen. I have not slowed down at all over the last 15 months. On the contrary I am more busy than ever, but I’ve not been so worried about controlling every aspect of my life. I’ve been taking on more responsibility as time goes on and my history shows that I don’t handle adulting very well. Some thing happened though and I’ve been focused on doing what is in front of me. Doing the next right thing no matter how I feel about it personally. It’s been a long, tough journey and it’s only getting started from here.
My point though, through doing just what is in front of me, no more and no less, I have found more beauty and freedom than I ever imagined possible. I’m content with what I am doing today and I believe that things are headed in the right direction, even if it’s not exactly what I thought it would be or in the time frame I think it should be on. I fucking woke up like this!
Chris –
You should write blogs for myrecovery your stuff is soooo good! Thank you for posting this got me out of my crazy head today! – HeidiI don’t really know if I’m blog material, lol. I have zero experience with that sort of thing. I’m grateful to be of service any way possible though, if it is seen fit. I’m still interested in hosting meetings, but my schedule is not as permitting as i would like it to be. I love what I do though. Message me when you can.
Chris – all the stuff you are putting in the forum…you can blog! I’m going to have you write something and we will put it on the site and then to Facebook so people can come read your experience, strength and hope! You have a lot of love and help to offer through your words! Just message me here or on myrecovery or on myrecovery facebook when you have something! – Heidi
