Getting to even

[Tom G]

I’ve been thinking about the whole recovery and alcoholism/addiction dynamic. It seems, we all start out life on equal terms. Then, along the way, some of us turn to alcohol and drugs as the ‘answer’ to life’s problems. In the end, we are in the negative when it comes to being a member of society, both emotionally and spiritually.

Look at what we put ourselves through. Loneliness, emotional turmoil, physical ruin. At my bottom, I was just the shell of a man, compared to ‘normal’ people. By ‘normal’, I simply mean those not affected by drugs and alcohol. I was in the negative of life’s terms.

Detox centers, emergency rooms, treatment centers…I’ve been to them all; just trying to stay alive. Then comes recovery. A journey with many emotions and obsessions pulling every which way. Relapse and temptation are ever present. All of this struggle in an attempt to feel normal.

The steps and program of recovery are simple. Sometimes I make it very difficult. I am my own worst enemy in this struggle. When I wonder if it’s all worth it, I think it might just be easier to give in and stop the struggle.

All of that just to get back to even with ‘normal’ people. Sometimes, it doesn’t seem fair. I can feel all alone in life. Then, I’ll read a note about a friend going to a meeting and finding a sponsor. Getting into the program and finding real joy in life. I’ll read real words of wisdom about spirituality from a new friend and have an ‘aha!’ moment.

That’s when I realize I am not alone. The God of my understanding is always putting people in front of me to show me the way…to turn the light on in my darkened hallway of life. Then I feel real gratitude for life. Even though this life has many struggles, getting back to even on life’s terms is worth the effort.

I couldn’t do it without my Higher Power or the fellowship of AA. I love you all, thank you for being there. Tom G.

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