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I’ve been having what I call ‘a crappy couple of weeks’. Things just haven’t been going well. While I haven’t had any alcohol and a real urge hasn’t been there, somewhere deep in the mind, the idea of drinking again has surfaced.
I started wondering why, after a decent length of sobriety, would those thoughts of drinking creep back in? I’ve heard from a lot of people who relapsed when things were going wrong in their life. I’ve heard from people who have relapsed when things were going really good in their lives. Why do we go back to relapse? Or, why do we contemplate relapse?
I think that relapse to drinking is the “default” mode for the alcoholic mind. It’s normal for an alcoholic like me to drink. It’s not normal for the an alcoholic like me to not drink. My “default” mode in any situation, whether things are going well or horribly, is to drink. My sobriety depends on not going to the default mode. Once I became an alcoholic, that default mode was set up and will be for life.
My last couple of weeks have been crappy. While my alcoholism continues as a progressive disease, my recovery hasn’t been progressing. I was staying in one spot in recovery; stuck might be a good term. I haven’t been living the first three steps of AA on a daily basis.
Realizing this was the case, I woke up this morning and admitted that I am powerless over alcohol, and that my life, left to my own will, is unmanageable. I began living the steps. This shuts off the default mode.
Living that first step kept me from that bastard,alcohol, today. Tomorrow I get to do it all over again. I think I’m in for a good couple of weeks.
I would really like to hear others thoughts and experiences. Thank you for letting me post! Tom G.
Tom
I use to struggle with the same thing my first 2 years in sobriety…where am I going, what am I doing..I just kept showing up and those questions stopped coming as soon as I stopped caring and just knew that I was on the right path. I have been struggling lately too as I have been very sick, and continue to be sick…why am I sick, what purpose is this serving? I just want to be better and get out of what is going on but I am reminded by my sponsor that in time it will it’s just right now this is how it’s gonna be and I have to be okay with that because when I fight back is when I take my will back. I hope all is well…keep showing up! Thanks for the post, I needed to read this today!
