Re: New Girl

[Cristi Franks]

Thank you Heidi. I feel overwhelmed and feel like I don’t know where to begin. I live in a small country town and there are not many meetings. I don’t have a sponsor. I started reading the 12 step book and I’ve been working on Step 1 and Step 2. I have been addicted to opiods for over 20 years and have tried many times on my own to quit. I never went out on the street looking for drugs. I suffer from Chronic pain so it was always very easy for me to get pain pills. I was a patient of the pain clinic here in our town which I’ve been a patient for years. I took myself out of the pain clinic and seeked for help for my addiction because I knew I was on a road to kill myself. Because I’m not someone that is out there on the street using, my husband has a hard time coming to terms with me being an addict. He blames doctors and my illness, not me. He’s very supportive of me which is good but he tries so hard to help me to not feel guilty over my addiction. A week ago, I started Methodone to help withdraw from opiods because I had became so severely physically and mentally ill. I was borderline suicidal. In 2005, I was put on Suboxone for pain management/opiod addiction. I did great while I was on it but was left on it until this past year. Even though it’s used for addiction, because it’s an opiod they are also using it for a pain medication for people like me who have long term use and a high tolerance to other medications. I was on it for so long that I couldn’t function without it so when I came off of it , I was right back to taking pain pills which led me to a very severe depression and state of hopelessness. I literally came to a place where I wanted to die rather than going on this way. I’m still having a lot of anxiety, depression and fears. I feel a lot better than I did one week ago and feel like I’m regaining some type of control over myself and emotions. Whatever it takes, I just don’t want to go backwards. This last time about killed me and I didn’t think I was going to find my way out of that darkness. I know there is a lot of Stigma about Methodone but in a very short period of time it’s allowed me to get some stability. I’m able to function , I don’t feel suicidal anymore and my family immediately noticed positive changes in me. I do have a counselor now and will be seeing her once a week and will be attending groups at the clinic. I really would like to get a sponsor and be able to get involved with some type of meetings.