Thank you for your honest and heartfelt post. What worked for me was to start being honest with myself and to ask for help…something you have done. I realized that I needed a support structure and to listen to peoples experience who were like me. I found a local AA meeting and found a sponsor who was willing to start taking me through the steps. I have also found online AA meetings and the Guest Speaker Meetings very helpful in addition to my home group. Please let me know if you would like further info as I would be able to get you in touch with some really great women in the program.
I wish you all the best!