Seems hard finding something you can give your will and your life up to right?? I had a hard time at first too so not surprising to me that others feel this way. I just had to think that there was something out there bigger than me that I could rely on to put my life(i.e. character defects) in their hands. I couldn’t rely on myself because I would always be disappointed and what kind of HP would that be? A HP to ME would be something that would never fail and always be consistent to be able to help me at any moment. At first I went straight to something simple as there was “something out there” / “the Big Man upstairs” then the further I got into my recovery my Higher Power started to change and finally came to be exactly what I wanted to hand my life and will over to. Also, you said atheist in your subject matter, I have known lots of atheists who have changed over to believing in a power greater than themselves and their recovery finally started to happen. If this is a stumbling block for you work hard with your sponsor on this it’s not something (in my experience) to push aside.