BY: Heidi Q. Blogger for myRecovery.com
It was 3 am and I could barely breathe and I was in a drenched sweat. I didn’t know what to do but I knew I needed drugs fast. I had to get to work that day and at 3 am I knew I was in no condition to work! What do I do…I did what all addicts do best lie, cheat, steal, get drugs and show up high because that was the only way I could function. My life was a sick cycle of depression, anger, obsession, “happy” highs and crazy lows. There were days I could not make it to the shower because my body was so weak. I was using drugs so much that my muscles started to get weak and my body no longer wanted to work properly. I would have to make myself sick in order to take more drugs so I would function! I was a suburban wife and thought I looked like I had it all together…who was I fooling, myself! I love being in the suburbs I had addiction “standards” as if there were different classifications of addicts…wow, I was so blind! I thought if I didn’t shoot it, snort it or smoke it I wasn’t an addict…I laugh at myself now but how sad was my rationalizing and justification of my disease at the time!
Back to the suburban wife part…I was blessed with an amazing husband who loved me to let me hit my bottom, just short of dying! The lying, deceit, anger, cheating, stealing, and empty love I was giving to my husband would have been enough for anyone to walk away from marriage. When I was in treatment he told me he meant it when he said, “for better or WORSE”. He said he learned a lot in the family program at the treatment center I went to and he wanted me to me to love myself as much as he loved me and more. Love?? Love…I forgot this feeling, it went right out the door with my addiction.
He struck something in me I knew might just work. Could I learn to love myself again? Could I learn to love myself enough to recover from this disease and drown it for good before it would drown me? Why I never thought of love I don’t know but as soon as he said love my heart sank. It was the first time I had felt my heart in a long time. I had been using my head, which was driving my addiction, for years. My own sick head was not going to cure my own sick head but my heart wanted to live and love again! I knew if I followed my heart I was going to be okay. My heart told me I need to get better, I need to listen to those around me who were already in recovery, I needed to reconnect with the God of my understanding, go to meetings, get a sponsor and get on my knees and pray! As soon as I hugged my heart and listened to it once again my eyes were open and recovery was within reach.
Love…what a crazy, easy…not so easy emotion but when practiced and felt could change my life around within days. I learned to love again, give hugs and feel. My heart was talking to me and I was finally listening, it said…you want to live and be free of this disease, so fight! I fought and I now have over 4 years. Who would have thought a little emotion called love could change my life! Maybe something I wrote you can relate to…are you missing love?