I have one hour to get up and I’m sweating in my bed with withdrawal and I know I can’t make it through the day without a fix or I will be a mess and everyone will know something is wrong. Head starts racing, heart is pounding and I’m shaking. Slowly I get out of my soaked bed from night sweats. I start calling to find a place to get drugs while my husband sleeps soundly in bed with not a care in the world. I looked at my empty eyes in the mirror, all glazed over and grey I start to panic about how I will continue the life I’m leading with no one knowing what was going on. I grabbed an empty pill bottle wishing it was an endless supply of drugs that I would never run out of. My hands and legs are shaking so bad I can barely stand when I get a call and my drugs are ready…phew… okay I can make it through this day and now the shakes are starting to dissipate. My brain was my own worst enemy, INSANITY!!!
My life was the same every day…stress, obsession, “relief” (drug fix), stress, anxiety, depression, stress, “relief” (drug fix)….I thought this was normal because it was all I had known for 5 years. I couldn’t remember a time when I was happy, when getting up was a smile and a hot cup of coffee. I couldn’t remember the last time I enjoyed a chat with friends over dinner, coffee or a good book. Where had my life gone? My own insanity or brain told me how I was living was “normal”…NORMAL…the disease of addiction is so deceitful! My own insanity was my own demise!
The day I walked in to get help was the last day my insanity was at its highest. I sat down in front of a person who was admitting me into treatment and she only had to say a few things to me…it’s all going to be okay, I’ve been where you are and now you get to heal. I felt like I was drowning and it was the first time I was given the chance to breathe…a weight had been lifted and I was ready to begin my journey of healing.
I won’t say that I don’t deal with insanity in life but what’s great about the program of recovery is that I have a set of tools that help me decide…am I creating my own insanity in my head or is this really something to get upset about? The unconditional love and time of a sponsor, strength of the WE in this program and friendships I have created in this program have made me who I am today. I finally get to wake up to a smile and coffee in the morning, wanting to get out of bed, enjoy the seasons, have a relationship with my husband, family and friends. Recovery showed me I don’t have to listen to insanity I get to choose…choose to be the best version of me and live on life’s terms, choose not to pick up, choose not to drink, choose not to give into my own stinkin’- thinkin’…I get to choose to be happy, joyous and free!
If you are struggling in the dark pool of insanity…put your hand out, ask for help and set your self free! Written by Volunteer from Myrecovery