I was searching for a peace of mind that I had never had and when I discovered alcohol, I thought I had finally found it.
What I have learned since coming in to recovery and Alcoholics Anonymous, is that I believe I was an alcoholic before I ever took my first drink. This may sound like a confusing statement to some, but I had all these “isms” from the time that I was a child. By isms, I mean characteristics and behaviors. The Merriam-Webster’s dictionary definition of ism is: an oppressive and especially discriminatory attitude or belief.
As a young child I felt like I never fit in. I felt like I was different than everyone else. Other kids seemed to be happy and seemed to have good home lives. Being from a broken home, I felt like somehow it was my fault that I didn’t have the typical family like everyone else. Today I don’t blame my alcoholism on that, but at the time all I could do was feel sorry for myself. I felt sad and lonely. This caused me to isolate, because somehow in my mind the loneliness was all that I had.
In my isolation, my solitude, I felt safe. Alone no one could hurt me. My depression and anxiety ruled my life. I needed something to make me feel better. Something to quiet all of the chatter that went on in my mind. But, I didn’t know what. I didn’t feel the love that I wanted, so I would act up, I would act up at home. Because in my warped way of thinking, I thought even if I was getting negative attention at least it was some sort of attention. I became uninterested in school. I would act up there, too. I became the class clown. Other kids would laugh and I finally felt some sort of acceptance. These actions came with circumstances though, which in turn made my depression and despair. My relationship with my family grew more and more distant. My education suffered greatly, resulting in not completing high school.
I felt like I had nothing and I felt like I had nothing to lose. I was getting into a lot of fights, committing crimes and hanging out with the wrong crowd. The problem was, I was getting no relief from my troubled mind. As a young child, I found solace in food. Food gave me comfort. An instant gratification. The real issue was and has been that I have no control. The word moderation is not in my vocabulary. I don’t know when enough is enough. Read more “the fix”…