I have had many times where I have felt that while I’m putting my foot forward and doing the next right thing my heart isn’t in it. I have been sponsoring women for the last 7 years, going to meetings, calling my sponsor and doing things the program tells us to do but for some reason my heart felt bankrupt and distant.
My mother recently passed away and it was by the hardest moment in my recovery feeling like I had no control over emotion or control over life. I felt like I was on an emotional roller-coaster. I would compare it to the first year in recovery. The first year in recovery I was trying to find myself, learning how to handle emotions…basically learning to “human” again. I was very unsure about everything I did I just kept doing the next right thing and put one foot in front of the other. When my mom passed I was gently reminded that I am not in control no matter how smooth life seems to be going, it’s not my will that will be done in this life.
It has been a little over 6 months since I lost my mom and I have felt like these first 6 months have been very similar to the first 6 months in recovery. I’m trying to find my new normal without someone who was a rock in my life. I feel like I have emotionally relapsed since my mom has been gone, I went back to a lot of self- defeating behaviors telling myself I’m not good enough, I’m not a good mom, not a good at what I do…very negative emotional drive. The pain and suffering of my mom’s passing is pushing me towards an emotional relapse.
After speaking with my sponsor she told me the more I sit and dwell on the bad and negative the next step will be the bottle or drugs because the emotional negativity will be too much for me to handle and I will want an out. I knew she was right, I have started to change my thinking of negative dwelling on the pain to gratitude and what blessings I have been given. I open a devotional book every day, I dive into things that I love to do, I write or journal about my emotions, I have written my mom letters and enjoying life’s simple pleasures again. I have opened myself up to be raw and real with my emotions and talking to people about them when I need to.
I realized that I was in recovery for a long time and had forgotten to go back to the basics when a life changing event happens. While I may have emotionally relapsed I pulled myself out and started back at the beginning one step at a time and one grateful moment at a time. Emotional relapse happened to me because I had a major life changing event but having the program of recovery has helped pull me back up on my feet. If you have lost someone or you have someone who is close to passing don’t forget to reach out and start back at the basics to help get you through, we are all in this together.