“Once I was shown what to do—making all this easy money with no repercussion from it, greed took over.”

Disgraced ex-cop Ken Eurell, who was memorialized in the 2015 documentary, The Seven Five, just published a memoir about his nefarious years as a police officer in one of the most corrupt police departments in the United States. The book, Betrayal in Blue: The Shocking Memoir of the Scandal that Rocked the NYPD, was co-written by Edgar Award winning author Burl Barer and journalist Frank C. Girardot Jr.

“It was like the heyday of crack,” said DEA special agent Mike Troster in the documentary. East New York in Brooklyn was a war zone, and according to Troster, “It was a hotbed for crime in New York City.”

In the late 1980s, the 75th precinct was the deadliest in the country. It handled the most homicides, including the most police shootings. “It was the highest murder rate in the country,” said Kenny Eurell, who worked there from 1982 to 1990. It was a time of 3,500 homicides per year in the city.

Eurell’s crimes escalated from drinking on the job to robberies, extortion, and selling cocaine after he’d retired on a cop’s pension. His book tells the story of being sucked into a world of crime and free money through his dirty cop partner, Michael Dowd.

While the doc focused mostly on Dowd, Eurell’s book reveals everything that was left out when much of the movie “ended up on the cutting room floor.”

The Fix landed an exclusive interview with the infamous criminal.

Eurell told us he wanted to set the record straight on his years of working with coked-out Dowd. Yes, they robbed unsuspecting citizens, moved on to selling cocaine and finally went into free-fall after ripping off drug dealers. “It was greed,” said Eurell, “pure and simple. The money was so easy to make. It was impossible to turn away.”

“I became a cop at age 20 and was on the job for seven years before being partnered with Mike [Dowd]. It never occurred to me to go on a burglary call and grab the stuff that the burglar missed. It was not in my mindset until I was partnered with Mike. I don’t want to say I was brainwashed, but let’s just say, I was introduced to a different way to do police work.”

I asked him why he’d used the word “brainwashed.” He said, “I say ‘brainwashed’ because when we got in the [squad] car together, Mike talked about making money about 98% of the time. The other 2% of the time he talked about women. Once I was shown what to do—making all this easy money with no repercussion from it, greed took over.”

Does Eurell have regrets about what he did? “I absolutely have regrets,” he said. “I wish I’d never took that first bit of money that Mike threw at me. I wish I had the courage to say to myself, ‘This is wrong. Don’t take the money.’ Even though that would’ve cut my own throat and ruined my career.”

He explained, “You can’t turn somebody in while you’re on the job because the word ‘rat’ will follow you around and destroy your career. There were guys when I was working—cops just suspected them of being a rat or a snitch—and every day, all the tires on their personal car would be cut. They go into work and their lockers would be in the shower, turned upside down, the locks broken open, all their stuff dumped out. Dead rats from the neighborhood were thrown onto the hood of their car. It makes a working situation absolutely impossible.”

“It sounds like the Mafia,” I said.

“Yeah,” said Eurell. “It’s that mentality.” Read more “the fix”…

There you are, a stranger in someone else’s family, with a hollowed out gut that aches and churns relentlessly…How far of a leap are drugs?

There is no universally accepted cause of drug addiction, but if there was one, it would include relief from physical, mental and emotional pain. Foster youth are ripped from their families and positioned into state care due to neglect or abuse; those two words—neglect, abuse—hold a vast and terrifying array of emotional and physical realities. Realities that, by definition, must be addressed.

“The narrative of the foster youth has been hijacked by this idea that foster youth are just losers. Like it’s inherent, expected. The thing is, something has been done to them. I wish more people understood the loneliness.” Author of the poetry book Apocryphal and a successful editor and writer in New York City, Lisa Marie Basile was a foster youth from age 14 to 19.

In San Diego, California, the foster care system has on average 5,000 young people in care on any given day. According to a 2016 study funded by the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), it is possible that 35% of older youth in foster care have a substance use disorder. “I know the immense burden of loss and personal erasure that could lead to [criminal] behaviors. I was one of the luckier ones. That particular vice [drug addiction] skipped me,” Basile said. “But that was sheer luck, personal genetics. If I were a betting person, I would have bet my younger self would have been abusing drugs. I had all the reason to.”

Jeff Weiman, director of the San Diego Angels Foster Family Network, wrote about Basile’s “personal erasure” of foster youth in The San Diego Union-Tribune. “…some foster children have challenging behaviors as all have been traumatized. You would be too if by the age of six weeks you had figured out that none of your basic needs would be met no matter what you did.”

Personal erasure. Neglect. Abuse. A rapid, terrifying complete replacement of life as you know it, pulled from your school, home, siblings, pets, friends, and placed into a home that, however friendly, is a complete unknown. There you are, a stranger in someone else’s family, with a hollowed out gut that aches and churns relentlessly, no more anchored into this life than the wings of a butterfly in a storm. You have been spun from the only reality you’ve known into an alternate: how far of a leap are drugs? To cross from pain to escape, so easily. To take an action that is your own, not dictated by heartbreaking parents, strangers, or therapists. To claim your right to revolt.

Lacey Harden was in San Diego foster care from age 14 until adulthood. Avoiding experimenting with drugs or alcohol during those years because “growing up, I saw what drugs and alcohol did to others, specifically my parents,” she ended up addicted to methamphetamine in her early twenties. The stress of numerous foster care placements, group homes and physical illness in her young adult life, without the support of a family unit, cracked her determination to abstain. She folded into addiction breathtakingly quickly, storming to its center, jobless, rudderless, and hopeless.

Parental drug abuse is driving the enormous increase in foster care youth over the last five years. Up until then, the numbers declined, but as of 2014 (the last year statistics are available) the increase was at 3.5%. In San Diego, many more babies are now in need of foster care placement, many of them born drug addicted. Not only are these babies born experiencing withdrawal, they have long-term risks for medical, developmental, emotional and behavioral concerns. They are at higher risk for addiction.

Stephen Moore is the director of San Diego’s Voices for Children, a program for abused children in foster care which connects Court Appointed Special Advocates, or CASA volunteers, with foster youth. When foster children reach out for help with drug addiction, “we connect the dots for our kids, hold them accountable, help them with follow up, help them with treatment goals,” he said in a phone call. All foster children in San Diego County retain medical insurance until 26, which covers inpatient and outpatient treatments for drug addiction in centers like the San Diego County McAlister Institute. If they ask for help, Moore said, treatment comes within a day or two.  Read more “the fix”…

 

Name: Tiffany

My sobriety Date:  August 2016

How many years did you use and how did you start using?

I started using as a teen. For me it was a way of escape. Years of abuse and heartbreak had left me unable to cope with reality. Marijuana and alcohol were my initiates into the world of drug use. I found solace in the oblivion, but my addiction escalated quickly and I would soon turn to heavier drugs that would lead me down a path of destruction and loss.

Did you go to treatment or do it on your own?

I attended rehabs, meetings, classes and the list goes on. I was in and out of jail and prison. I gained much knowledge during these times, but still ended up repeating the same cycle. I was unable to face myself and the harsh reality of my past. No amount of knowledge could save me until I was willing to put what I had learned onto practice. Searching the soul is not a journey for the faint hearted and I was forced to face my greatest fears.

If you went to treatment, what treatment center did you go to?

I attended a facility in the heart of Richmond City. I was ordered here by the courts. I found myself surrounded by violence, alcohol, and any drug one might desire. This is where I would meet my ultimate drug of choice, heroin.

If you went to treatment, what was your experience like?

Treatment is a place for me where seeds of knowledge were planted. I was given a successful completion and remained clean, but my heart was not fully committed. I believe you get what you put in and I choose to fly under the radar so to speak. However, the knowledge I gained remained with me and eventually the statements I considered cliché would begin to soak in.

What did you learn about yourself when you started getting into recovery?

I have learned a great many things. I have learned it’s ok to be weak, to be afraid, to be vulnerable. I have learned to set boundaries, to trust, to laugh, and love without expectations. I have learned to accept who I am and that each day is a journey. We face choices. Sometimes we fall, and then we get back up. Addiction doesn’t define who we are. It is a long dark path that if and when we become willing, can lead us to a place of self-discovery and purpose. It is our story!

What did your bottom look like and what was the pivotal moment you knew you wanted to get sober/clean?

There were many dark moments. I lost a great many people I loved and cared about. I lost my purpose, my self-respect and my joy. I ended up going to a methadone clinic for 6 years. I did well in the beginning years, but yet still was masking some hidden issues that needed to be addressed. I eventually turned to benzos, combining the two in a search for the euphoria I so desperately sought. I had a deep desire to be free. I had attempted cold turkey and failed leaving me in a deeper state of despair. Finally through a series of events, I was placed on a ten day detox. The withdrawals were terrible, and the pain excruciating. I prayed for instant deliverance, but in my heart I knew I must walk through this fiery experience. An easy out would mean an easy return for me.

Did you have any consequences in your using days?

There were a great many consequences during active use. I lost my children. I spent many years, on and off, in jails and prisons. I lost the things that mattered most. I became isolated and lonely.

List some things that help keep you on the path of recovery:

Each day presents us with a choice. There are days when I feel on top of the mountain and recovery comes easy. There are days when I feel depression, loneliness and despair. It is on these days I must choose. Will I risk all I have gained and return to a false sense of serenity (drugs) or will I press on and face these tidal waves of emotion. I find solace and strength in community, in prayer and meditation, and in service. Without purpose I become lost and hopeless. I have to search my heart, go back in time and remember the dreams I once had as a child. It is there I find direction and hope.

What is it life like today?

Today I feel hope. I feel a light breaking through the darkness. I realize I’m not perfect and there will be days I struggle, but I have a courage I didn’t have before. I choose to remain in the present and look for the blessings. I have my family, my children and friends. I see possibility where I once saw none and I know I am the dreamer of great things. With faith and perseverance, these beautiful, outrageous dreams become my reality.

What words of hope/advice can you give the person who is still struggling?

Keep pressing on! Know there is hope and a better way! There is a Higher Power who seeks to guide and direct your path. There are people who want to see you succeed. Hold on to the seeds of Hope, and watch them grow into gardens of destiny! You are here for a purpose and your story has the potential to touch lives you never dreamed!

 

“This goes out to the heaviest hearts, to everyone who has hit their limit…it’s not over yet, keep on fighting out of the dark into the light!” – for King and Country

 

$97 thousand and some change in, this is not a bet or a card game…it was how far down the financial hole I had driven myself. I was so good at lying and hiding that no one knew how bad my financial deep ocean was.  I was drowning in bills, credit card debt, bank(s) overdraft charges and money owed to friends. All to feed an addiction that was slowly killing me!

 

The financial deep ocean was my bottom…a dark lonely bottom.  Have you ever been in deep water? When you are on the surface you have the sensation of floating but when you go deep, it’s dark and heavy, add in being chained to the bottom of the ocean floor with 5 seconds of oxygen every 5 min…that was how my bottom felt.  I had to fight out of that dark into the light.

 

My financial amends was not an overnight, boom…you got sober money problems over! I WISH!!! My financial ocean has run me up to this very day over 6 years later.  My financial debt is one of my living amends to my husband.  He had no idea how much money I had spent, lost, thrown away and owed he was in total disbelief when I told him.  I look back now and slightly chuckle because his face was priceless BUT it was in no way funny.  I had ruined all our life goals for our future together.  My husband was saving very diligently for a home, children, vacations and new vehicles…he was so good at saving.  All that money had to go towards my debt and that barely scratched the surface.

 

When I started working with a sponsor she told me I needed to own my financial debt and take care of that myself as I was the one who did the damage.  I told my husband I wanted to take over the debt and work hard, do what I needed to do to slowly pay off the debt.  I didn’t want him to help me but he refused to let me do it all alone.  He said for better or for worse I married you and we do things together.  To this day I still feel like I never deserved his grace and patience he gave me at that time.

Fast forward to about a month ago I had hit a bottom, not drugs or alcohol… emotional.  I was a mess underneath and I was too scared to show it…I was not fine and I was not okay and I had a moment of break and someone saw it.  Someone who was in recovery, who knew we all hit these times, they aren’t easy but we hit them.  He gave me a hug and I felt for a few min the hurt melt away. My emotional break was a 6 year pile-up of “I’ve got this, the debt will someday go away”.  There were so many things happening I couldn’t hold that “I’ve got this” mentality anymore, I broke.  I stopped trusting God and started taking on the financial deep ocean and let it drag me down…drop the rock, right?

 

Weeks later I got a call, my knees buckled, I could barely speak and I thought I might puke.  Mind you up to this point I was going 60 miles a minute, feeling like I was falling behind, I was falling apart….then this call to tell me they were giving me money as  gift of thankfulness.  I was so emotionally moved I could barely express my gratitude I thought I was going to pass out.

 

That night I got on my knees to pray out of gratitude that even though I had taken my will back God was watching out for me.  Pray and pray hard the connectivity of prayer is so healing.  I am still in disbelief and still cry from the gift given to me, so incredibly humbled.   Stay humble, pray, stay connected to everyone in the program, keep going to meetings…in the end things always fall together just the way they are supposed to!

– Written by a Volunteer for Myrecovery

 

Name: Heidi

My sobriety Date: February 13^th 2010

How many years did you use and how did you start using? 10 years

Did you go to treatment or do it on your own? I went to treatment

If you went to treatment, what treatment center did you go to? I went to Hazelden in Center City, MN

If you went to treatment, what was your experience like? It was a experience like non other…for the first time I got to look at what drove me to addiction, change my life, think differently and make a change in my life that would forever save me.

What did you learn about yourself when you started getting into recovery?  I learned that I had changed from a sweet, caring, helpful and loving person to a liar, a cheat, mean, angry and selfish person.  I got to see how the disease of addiction changed me as a person and I didn’t even like myself but I had to learn to love myself back to who I was.

What did your bottom look like and what was the pivotal moment you knew you wanted to get sober/clean? My bottom was very ugly…It was financial, emotional and near death.  I knew I was running out of money, friends, family and I could no longer cover my covered lies with more lies.  I was so far down the rabbit hole I couldn’t see an inch in front of my face.  I got a call from my husband, he had finally figured out what was going on…his hands were full of empty pill bottles and I couldn’t answer for 600 of the pills…I had to come clean. Booze bottle were hidden everywhere and he started to find them as he found one thing…he kept looking.  I had never heard my husband cry and hearing his voice over the phone brought me to my knees.  I was done…I was hurting the love of my life and myself.  I wanted help, I called Hazelden and got in the next day!

Did you have any consequences in your using days?  Yes, financial and legal. In my drunken stupor I thought it was okay to change a prescription  for myself and tried getting it filled in a pharmacy and was caught. Those legal ramifications I had to face sober…it was not easy but I got through it. Don’t let your consequences send you back out…it hurts at first but fight through it!

List some things that help keep you on the path of recovery: The WE part of the program (stay connected), Sponsor and Meetings

What is it life like today? I would love to say it’s happy, joyous and free BUT it’s life…life on life’s terms.  I don’t drown out life anymore, I feel and that’s okay because even though I have to feel the really hard things I now get to feel the good things that WAAAAY over power the bad, it’s worth it!

What words of hope/advice can you give the person who is still struggling?  Keep coming back, even when you don’t want to…at some point you just finally say, I want what they have and you just start to do what you are told and it sticks!  Stay strong, fight for life, the chance to feel, the chance to have a good life…make the choice to be happy!

I knew if I kept seeing him, I would drink. But I was scared. How would I pay my bills without him?

When I first got sober, I had two sugar daddies. I had quit my job at a law school where I spent most of my time in the bathroom sitting on the toilet, crushing lines on top of a bar review book.

My solution to finding another job was posting a headless picture of myself on Craigslist in heels and red garters.

“Sugar Daddy Wanted.”

I met two nice men. Omar, the Iranian, and Harry, the Orthodox Jew.

It was two weeks after our very first meeting that Harry and I had our sixth date downtown at The Georgian. He had on a crisp white shirt and black pleated pants.

He sat on the bed and untied his polished black shoes. “You’re all I’ve been thinking about.”

All I was thinking about was how I was going to be with him without getting high or drinking. I had never been sober with him before. I turned my back, unzipped my skirt. He undressed. His stomach hung and there were patches of gray and black hair. His thighs had red and blue veins. He walked towards me, breathing heavy, a scent of spearmint and baby powder. I just wanted it to be over. He kissed me with his big, too warm lips, and we were on the bed with me on top of him holding my hips, moving his. He groaned and it was over.

He showered, bringing his clothes into the bathroom. I sat on the edge of the bed and waited until he came out. He put on his yarmulke, handed me an envelope and left. I had made a thousand dollars.

I knew if I kept seeing him, I would drink. But I was scared. How would I pay my bills without him? I didn’t have a job. Harry and Omar were my jobs. I had been to enough meetings where I had heard about becoming self-supporting through one’s own contributions. I didn’t think that was possible. How would I ever do that? At the same time I was desperate to get sober. I was 38 and there was something in me that knew I was at my end. I didn’t know how I was going to do it—get by without Harry’s help—but I knew it was either Harry or sobriety. I chose sobriety.

Omar was different. The only time we ever had sex was the third time he took me out. He put on Sade and made me an Iranian dinner and I drank lots of red wine. After that, he never pushed for sex. It was like he was courting me. I didn’t understand him—why he was patient and wanted to do things for me like drive all the way from Sherman Oaks in his black waxed Audi to take me to Trader Joe’s, filling the cart with coffee, dish soap and tomatoes on the vine (not the cheap Roma ones that I usually got). He’d help me inside with the groceries, leaving half the month’s rent on the table and kissing me goodbye on the cheek.

He’d buy me things that I never wore except when I saw him. I wanted to tell him what I really needed was money to pay the phone bill or something practical, like a new hot plate for my makeshift kitchen, but I didn’t feel right saying that to him.

Once a week we went for sushi on Larchmont. One time, the hostess took our picture. The next time we came the picture was on the wall, the two of us smiling, Omar’s arm around me, a sushi chef’s hat in the background and under the picture in black ink: “Happy couple share fresh squid.”

As time went on, I knew he really did care for me and I liked him, the way he smelled, talking to him, going out to dinner once a week with him. But I didn’t feel anything for him romantically. The thing of it was, being with him felt like more than placing an ad on Craigslist and having an arrangement with a sugar daddy. Now that I was sober, it became harder to continue seeing him and I felt that I was using him. And I was, but I was too scared to not have his help.

When I had about three months sober, I talked about Omar at a woman’s meeting. “I can’t keep taking money from him, I’ve got to get a job but I don’t know what. And I can’t, I just can’t, be shut in an office for eight hours and I’m a terrible waitress.”

“Honey,” a lady said. “What you need is a simple sober job. A job where you don’t have to think, you just show up and learn to be on time, honest and accountable.”

“And make ten dollars an hour?” I asked. Read more “the fix”…

As overdoses surge, doctors are cutting back on prescribing opiate painkillers—at the cost of those who actually need them.

As a young woman, Cindy Laux developed a toxic relationship with alcohol. It was after her very first sip, she recalled, that she fell under its spell. Laux described the moment as though it was love at first sight.

Such a powerful response led Laux to sober up at just 22 years old. She went the traditional route: attended 12-step meetings and sponsored other women along the way. She became a fixture in her Southern California recovery community—a person upon whom fellow recovering friends could rely.

While working as a nurse in the intensive care unit, Laux broke the fall of a heavy patient, and injured herself in the process. After nearly a decade sober, at 31 years old, Laux was prescribed opioid pain relievers for her injury.

“The first time I took opioids it didn’t give me the same feeling as alcohol,” Laux said, during an interview with The Fix. “There was no euphoria, no float-y feeling—just some pain relief.”

Her response to alcohol was nothing like her response to opioids, she said, debunking a common myth for people in recovery that all drugs lead you down the agonizing road of addiction. Once an addict always an addict, a common phrase in the recovery community, turns out not to hold up for everyone.

But Laux’s injuries didn’t stop there, nor did her prescriptions to opioids.

After numerous back surgeries, Laux developed adhesive arachnoiditis, a rare condition typically brought on by too many medical procedures. The result is chronic, intractable pain. A searing hot sensation, like a gunshot wound, shoots up and down her body. She says at times it feels like her skin is on fire.

“I went from going to meetings and helping others to being bed bound,” said Laux. But opioids offered her some relief, and also a semblance of a real life, one in which she could be there for her family and friends while remaining active in her recovery community.

These things, she said, keep her going.

But her quality of life dramatically changed when Americans began to overdose from opioids in record numbers.

Overdose deaths from painkillers have quadrupled in just 12 years. From 1999 to 2014, over 165,000 people have died in the U.S. from opioid overdoses, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Such startling figures necessitated action by the federal government. The result of that action—namely, rolling back the number of painkiller prescriptions—has left patients like Laux in a precarious position, fearing for their future and ability to remain on opioids to treat pain.

“I was a star patient,” said Laux, describing her status in a California pain management clinic. “I had gone from using a walker to hiking every morning in the hills with my dog and friends.”

Being active in the world, something most of us take for granted every day, is critical for pain patients, Laux said.

But while overdoses surged month-by-month, Laux’s doctor began to scale back her dose of opioids. “I asked him why every month for six straight months,” she said.

Finally, after months of asking, the doctor provided Laux with a straight answer. Laux said he told her, “Apparently, people are dying.”

Indeed people were (and still are) dying. Every 19 minutes a life is lost from an opioid overdose.

But patients like Laux and several others interviewed for this story insist they are not the ones contributing to the tidal wave of overdoses across the country. They cannot understand why they are the ones bearing the brunt of new policies aimed at reducing mortality rates by federal and state efforts to scale back opioid prescribing.

Last March, the U.S. Surgeon General wrote a historic letter addressed to all prescribers, urging they exert caution when prescribing opioids to their patients. Days later, Dr. Nora Volkow, director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), published a letter of her own addressing the plight of chronic pain patients on opioids.

“Although the exact numbers are not known,” Volkow wrote, “the majority of people with opioid use disorders are not pain patients and did not start that way.”

Indeed, the most recent surveys from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMSHA) show over half of misused opioids are not prescribed by doctors. That same survey found that out of the 97.5 million people prescribed to painkillers during 2015, only 12.8 percent misused them.

Other studies have shown that addiction (not physical dependence) in chronic pain patients who take their medication as prescribed, is rare.

“The risk of addiction in a pain patient new to opioids with no history of substance abuse or psychiatric illness is tiny,” said Dr. Howard Fields, who holds doctorates in neuroscience and medicine from Stanford University, and is the founder of the University of California San Francisco Pain Management Center.

Furthermore, the number of chronic pain patients who die from an overdose while in treatment is also rare. The most recent study found that out of 39,449 patients on opioids for longer than three months, only 59 of them died from “opioid-related causes.” Read more “the fix”…

You’re supposed to avoid intimate relationships for the first year of sobriety, but sometimes this is easier said than done.

According to popular wisdom, people new to recovery should avoid intimate relationships for the first year. The logic behind this is well-founded: The idea is that it’s necessary to come to terms with your own emotions—without the distraction of a new romantic partner and the potential pitfalls that go along with romance. As many have discovered, however, following that advice is easier said than done.

For example, me. As a sophomore in college, I was just coming to grips with my eating disorder and my recovery was still on shaky ground. For me, anorexia had been a way to maintain some semblance of control over my life, which was filled with the standard woes of a college student trying to find her way as a young adult. As much as I tried to sever my relationship with my eating disorder, the rituals I developed kept drawing me back in. For months, my eating disorder had taken the place of close friendships and kept me trapped in a place of selfish actions.

Then I met him. It could be because I allowed myself to be more vulnerable than usual. Or because I didn’t have any expectations. Or even because of some special pheromone sent out by a person who really isn’t seeking a partner. Whatever the case, I became one of the cliché stories of “finding love when you least expect it.”

I found ways to justify the romance, despite subconsciously knowing the risks for my health if something went wrong. As I told myself, my therapist encouraged me to turn my attention outward. However, her suggestion was more along the lines of volunteering or joining a low-stress club, not tying my emotions up in a new relationship. But the heart wants what the heart wants—and I quickly found myself falling.

As I was, it soon became apparent I needed to be honest with the new person in my life. As someone recovering from anorexia, my battle was pretty obvious. But that didn’t make baring my heart much easier. Difficult as it was to first say the word “anorexia” aloud to a person I really wanted to stick around, retrospect shows me it was the most important conversation we had in the early days of our relationship: By communicating about that tough subject, I saw he was in the relationship for the right reasons and began to accept that I was worth loving despite my struggles. Then, with someone compassionately keeping me accountable, my recovery really began to take hold.

Years later, I am healthy and happily married to that same person. Although I know starting a relationship during early recovery is far from the recommended course, for those who find in a similar position, here is what experts suggest for the best chance of success.

1. Know thyself: Before getting into a new relationship during the early stages of recovery, Brooke Novick, marriage and family therapist, said it’s essential to be honest with yourself about your emotional and mental preparedness. Along with asking if your recovery has a solid enough foundation, she advised considering if you have the necessary tools to cope with the uncomfortable feelings any relationship can bring to the surface, such as jealousy, fear, sadness and anger.

2. Consider trends with past relationships: Even when you are on the healthier path of recovery, destructive relationship habits may re-emerge. For those who never struggled with personal boundaries and had successful relationships in the past, that may not be an issue. However, Linda Lewaniak, senior director of integrated services at Eating Recovery Center, Insight, said a history of co-dependency is troubling. She explained that unlike friendships, romantic relationships are inherently driven by passion and can become problematic when you aren’t able to see yourself “as separate from the other.”

3. Be aware of red flags with the new partner: Although people are typically on their best behaviors in new relationships, Novick said there are early signs that could signal trouble for your recovery. “A person who does not communicate with integrity can be a red flag,” she said. “This means they do not say what they mean or mean what they say. A bunch of subtext can exist in their communication, which can be difficult for you to sort through.”

   Beyond that, Lewaniak said it’s a warning sign if the person is unwilling to learn about the addiction or has unrealistic expectations for you.

4. Be upfront about your recovery and seek to engage them: Whereas a controlling partner can signal danger, a supportive partner may be a secret ingredient to a successful recovery. One key, Lewaniak said, is involving your partner in support groups, therapy or family days. “Because addictions functionally change the brain, if the other person doesn’t understand that, they won’t get it,” she said, adding the new romantic partner also needs to understand recovery is a process often wrought with emotional twists and turns. “They also need to know that when someone stops using or engaging in the behavior, they are going to feel better initially. However, depression, loneliness, and anxiety can set in, and the boredom can be very hard.”

   As a marriage and family therapist, Novick said her experience shows the traits of compassion and respectfulness are essential in the partner of a person in recovery. “It’s important to find a person you can resolve conflict with in a healthy manner,” she said. “Someone who communicates honestly, and gently, can be a wonderful partner.”  Read more “the fix”…

My first few weeks back from treatment…no one would answer my phone calls besides my family who was worried sick about me.  Everyone had written me off, it wasn’t their fault I would have done the same thing with what I had done to all my friends.  I used, abused, lied, degraded, deceived and tore others down around me because I didn’t want to focus on the real problem.  I knew I was sick with the disease of addiction but hell if I was going to talk about it, admit it or ask for help! What did I do instead?  I burned all my bridges.

When I first started working with my sponsor I wanted to skip right to step 9 where making all my amends in 20 minutes and getting this “saying sorry” thing over with.  My sponsor said because you want to do them now, you get to wait.  Her reasons were sound but I didn’t like them…you are too early in recovery, you need to get to know yourself a little, you need to learn humility, you are emotionally all over the place and my head still wasn’t clear after so much time of using.  Looking back I am so grateful my sponsor knew what she was doing.  My sorry’s and apologies would have been empty and not nearly has heartfelt.

My sponsor saw me for what I was and habits I had learned while using…lying, cheating and deceiving…those aren’t character defects you get rid of overnight.  I was 6 months into recovery and we were still on step 4, I was getting anxious in my recovery and wanting to do so much but she held me back.  I couldn’t see at the time what she was doing but I do now.  I was putting myself back together brick- by- brick, I was building a foundation, a life that showed of service and humility.

I was told once if you fix what’s right inside you mend relationships better, for me that was so true. One year I left a friend in a foreign country because I told her I would meet her there and I never got on the plane…how do you apologize for that?  I started to see the shame and guilt I was caring around with me as I got further into recovery.

One year later I was on step 8 and writing down all my amends. I got to look back on a year of recovery with my sponsor, she looked at me and said are the bricks starting to come together, can you get over the bridge to meet your friends again?  She saw what I could not early in sobriety…the bricks needed to be rebuilt for me to meet my friends.  Talk is cheap and my sponsor knew that but actions…that was the key to a good amend. They got to see the product that came after a year in recovery which was much more impactful than “I’m sorry”.  While I did say I’m sorry, I meant it and you could see that with the way I was living my life, putting it back together brick-by-brick! Written by a Volunteer of Myrecovery

 

If you spend time in recovery circles you will hear these same clichés over and over again. Some make you want to run to the nearest bar just for spite, others may become mantra.

If you have spent any time in a 12-step meeting of any sort, or if you have spent time in rehab, chances are that you are more than familiar with recovery clichés. They are often spouted by the old timers in a meeting, or if you are in rehab, by your group counselor.

When you first hear them, you might not quite know what just happened. Did that person just make that up? And if so, why did he say it with such confidence? You usually think to yourself one of two things: “Gee, that was an interesting thing to say, that really resonated with me, how clever that person is.” Or “What? Why the hell would anyone say something like that out loud?”

But then you start hearing those same phrases over and over from other people as well. You soon realize that they are all clichés, well-worn phrases used to keep you on the right track, which of course is clean and sober.

If you frequent recovery circles, you will hear these same clichés over and over again. Some will make you feel angry in a way you simply cannot explain and make you want to run to the nearest bar just for spite, while others will resonate with you in a way that you might say them to yourself when you are alone. They may even help you through a tough time.

Here are what I consider to be the five worst and five best recovery clichés. Use them wisely.

The Worst

“My Worst Day Sober is Better Than My Best Day Drinking.”

Really? I kind of tend to doubt that. Now, I get the point of what this is trying to say of course, but I really doubt that sober day you had when you got fired from your job and found out that your wife was having an affair with your brother was better than that day that you had an appletini at the hotel bar in Disney World when you were on vacation with your family. Here is the thing, some days on booze and drugs were fun. We all get that. It’s just that that kind of fun is not sustainable.

“Let Go and Let God.”

It’s not just that this is archaic and will probably insult a good percentage of the people you say it to who don’t do that whole “God” thing, it’s also just way too simplistic. Personally I know some people who are doing some things that are pretty crazy and are in some very dark places. Just “letting go and letting God” is not going to do a whole heck of a lot for them at this point. They actually need some sort of a plan, you know? Being the person who says this phrase probably feels really good, especially if you have a nice warm place to go home to at night. But if you are trying to have a positive effect on someone else, then pick another cliché.

“Have an Attitude of Gratitude.”

Okay, so this rhymes. Here is a pro tip. Don’t say words that rhyme to people in bad places. When you are right in the midst of a hardcore withdrawal, or are attending your first court-ordered AA meeting because of your fourth DWI, the last thing you want someone to say to you is something that rhymes. Trust me on this one.

“Keep it Simple, Stupid.”

The thought behind this well-worn cliché is that most things, your recovery included, work better when they are kept simple, as opposed to making them complicated. This actually makes sense, and if you leave it at “Keep it Simple,” I will leave it off this list. It’s really just the insult at the end that makes it so awful. I know that “Keep it Simple Stupid” becomes the acronym KISS, but is that really worth it? I truly doubt that “Keep it Simple You Enormous Moron” would catch on, but who knows, maybe next time I hit a meeting I will try it out.

“Easy Does It.”

Okay, so this one is really not so bad. While not that catchy, it is benign for the most part. But here is the thing. Some people accuse 12-step recovery groups of being a bit like a cult, and nothing plays into that more than a room full of people repeating the same pointless phrases to each other. While there is nothing inherently irritating about “Easy Does It,” it needs to die a quick death just simply because it is so overused that it has become trite.

The Five Best

“If Nothing Changes, Then Nothing Changes.”

Just like the rest, at first this one can be a tad irritating because it just seems so simplistic. But then if you let it rattle around in your mind for a bit, you realize it is a bit like a Zen koan, something that is meant to unravel a greater truth, not just about yourself but about your world. You can sit and stew in your life choices or in your addiction for years if you want to, but if you make some changes, no matter how difficult those may be, sooner or later some sort of change in your life will come as a result.  Read more “the fix”..