What year was hard for you in recovery? I remember sitting in a meeting and a couple ladies next to me were talking about their 6th year and how hard that year was to get through. I, of course was on my first year at the time not even thinking about “what year would be hard” I thought where I was could not get any harder. Well, I was wrong…my hardest year was my 7th year in sobriety. I struggled to keep balance and a lot of things happened to me that year. I didn’t relapse which in and of itself was an absolute MIRACLE but as far as emotionally, I took a few hundred steps backwards.
I have heard so many people say if you emotionally relapse it is worse than an actually relapse, why…I have no clue. Looking back now a year and a half later, I am better for it, so I consider it a huge step forward. I truly believe that there is nothing wrong with being knocked down a few steps, it gives some amazing room for growth. Growth can be super painful (painstaking, some may say) but can also make you a much stronger person in the end.
No matter how many meetings I went to, big book groups I joined, steps I went through, meetings with my sponsor or sponsees I had… there was no preparing me for a loss that I was going to experience in my life. We all go through losses in life and the getting back up after them is a hard and slow process. I know I smiled when I didn’t want to, I cried when I didn’t want to, got angry when I should not have, said things I should not have said, and maybe even didn’t say things when I should have. It was a year of opposites for me. I have never prayed so much in my entire life for the pain to just take a backseat and let me be.
So here you sit reading this wondering okay…well, what did you do about it? I kind of laugh as I write this, I know full well what I did…I did NOTHING, nothing, you read that right, NOTHING. I can’t say I am proud of that, or that it is what anyone should do, this is just my story and my experience with grief. I wish I had profound words to say about all the tools, the steps and crazy awesome words of wisdom to instill upon you…nope! Now you may be thinking…okay this is so dumb, and maybe you are even going through a huge loss right now, it could be a job, family member or friend.
Here is what I CAN tell you, it will be okay.
This IS what I did, I let myself feel all those emotions, said all the wrong things, did all the wrong things…because I was in pain. I did stay open and raw to those around me letting them know what I felt and said the things that were swimming around in my head. Never underestimate the power of prayer, a hug, good chats over coffee/tea or whatever it is that you drink now. Feeling hurts but I did not drink, I did not do drugs, I did not decide that life was too hard to handle so checking out was my option…no, I did nothing I let myself feel and I stumbled through the pain. I really don’t have much advice but I do know what helped me was the act of doing nothing and letting my body go through what it needed to go through. If you are going through a loss in life, I am so truly sorry, it hurts, it sucks (not gonna sugar coat it) and you will want to find a way to get rid of the pain…my plea, don’t. We were given the amazing ability to heal, you do heal… don’t stop until you get to that miracle.
Written by: Heart2heal14