First off, know that you are not alone. You did the right thing by reaching out and saying that you need help. That is a big step. I’m 54 years old and last year was in the same boat you find yourself in now.
You said you need help. It’s time to get help. From the sounds of it you may be an alcoholic who may go into withdraw when you stop drinking. Please know that withdraw from alcohol can be very dangerous and deadly. Seriously consider going to an emergency room today. They can admit you to the hospital and can be medicated and monitored during the dangerous withdraw period. While going through that process, you can work with the hospital staff to identify a treatment facility.
The hospital can save your life; treatment can show you a life worth living. If you’re wondering if you should go to an emergency room or not, go anyway. They can determine if you need their assistance.
Feeling lost and alone is very common for active alcoholics; in treatment you will find yourself surrounded by people who feel like you do and can understand what your going through. When I went into treatment, I thought I was the only person in the world who hid bottles of vodka in the garage and in the office at work. Turns out, I was in a treatment facility with dozens of guys who did just that. Being connected with people just like you brings the world back into focus.
An AA based treatment program that emphasizes spiritual recovery may work well if you have a soul that feels poisoned.
There are thousands and thousands of AA people out there who are just like you and me. We all have one thing in common…a desire to stop drinking, whatever it takes. Look up the AA groups in your area. Call them and tell them what you’ve written on this post; that you realize you need help. A person on the phone or someone in your area will make sure you get the help you’re seeking.
If you can’t do that, keep posting here. Just know that I and everyone in recovery are pulling for you!