I would like to add on to this post and share some bits about my day today. I was drinking wine at 9AM this morning. I was feeling awful because I had about 8 or more glasses of wine last night (and the night before that, and so on). So I started drinking this morning to feel better. I attended the online meeting this morning. I continued searching on the web for help. I continued to drink. All the while I keep thinking to myself that I don’t want this life. I don’t like where I am and the condition I am in. I know what I need to do, but I haven’t been able to make it stick. I have been struggling for several years now. I am so overwhelmed with all I need to fix, things I need to do, emotions I need to address. I feel the weight of all that work and I just give up. Sometimes I have made positive steps and just when I start feeling better about my life, I turn to alcohol again. As if I am afraid of being happy or changing my life.
So today while all this drinking, searching, and struggling was going on this morning, I was also kicking myself that I had not studied for an exam I have tonight. I also wondered if I was going to stop drinking in time so I could safely drive. Heavy snow is predicted for tonight and I kept checking to see if classes were cancelled, but no message yet. (yes this is north carolina and snow predictions actually cause places to shutdown before snow even starts) I was thinking I would continue drinking this wine (I had a box) and blow off class. Why not? I have been screwing up everything else in my life.
Then I received an email from Positive Outlooks Blog. Today’s message was “Today I close the door to the past, open the door to the future, take a deep breath, step on through and start a new chapter in my life.” This was around 2:00 when I read it. I decided to throw out the wine…the entire box…and I started studying. I was determined that today I would change my story and begin doing the things I need to do stay sober and get my life back on a path I could live with.
At 4:00 I checked school system. The class was cancelled. Now I have more time to study. I feel like this is the universe talking to me and supporting me. The universe reinforced my good decision to stop drinking today. This is not the first time that I’ve felt the universe. Unfortunately I have often turned my back on it (me). I want this time to last. So I am telling you all this because I don’t want to go into the trash can to retrieve that wine box. I don’t have a support group that I can talk to. I don’t talk to people about my drinking. This is all new for me at this website and I kinda like it. Even if no one replies, it feels good that I am communicating this out and not keeping it as my dark secret.
I feel that by telling you I will not retrieve and drink that wine tonight, that I must keep my word.
so thank you.